Abortion

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Abortion

Post  Jen on Tue Mar 25, 2008 2:28 pm

Her smile could have been the last fixation
I would have seen on earth,
With al-eyes, and a dirt face.
She could have been my mother.

The jagged, edged lines in her cheeks,
Streamline to the ebb and flow of her breasts, to
Skin-colored water on her chest, gold
Cross parading her neck.
She could have been my mother.

The street, it steamed with her breath,
And gasoline rises from the bronze roofs
Of the corner.
Here, the puddles abort their fog and condensation
For the light jitter of whore-glamour heels.
She could have been my mother.

Primetime, like cold vanilla, shivers out of
Brief, suicidal lips.
A light could shine on her grayed face and curvy thighs,
And fail in comparison to her brisk love-ties.
She rather hold her breasts in, than
Suck in love handles on stretched sides.
Dear, she could have been my mother.

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Re: Abortion

Post  love it on Wed Mar 26, 2008 10:14 am

I like the assonance you have here Jen in the 'streamline' 'steam' 'gasoline' which ties in with the 'been' of 'could have been my mother'. Theres a strong sense of you searching here and identifying different shades of yourself. I dont understand the 'al-eyes'...except that it sounds like 'allies'. I was wondering about the title and it just occured to me it could be from the perspective of an un-born child.

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Re: Abortion

Post  The Artful Lost on Wed Mar 26, 2008 6:14 pm

A very contraversial name and quite a masterpiece of writing, Jen. On my first rea, it seems to have given insight to the blind eyes of a unborn child, but with my second it feels like it this was a perspective from an orphan or a lost child as they watched this woman commit suicide. I feel the second interpretation to be somewhat stronger than the first, but it really depends on the message you were trying to portray. All in all- it's a very good write, indubitably. Very Happy

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Re: Abortion

Post  Jen on Wed Mar 26, 2008 7:40 pm

love it wrote:Theres a strong sense of you searching here and identifying different shades of yourself.

I think it could be, too, in a sense that it is an allusion to myself.
Al-eyes meant two things: All eyes or Alive eyes. At first, what I wanted to write was "With alive eyes" but, I opted for "al-eyes". It sounded better.

The Artful Lost wrote:with my second it feels like it this was a perspective from an orphan or a lost child as they watched this woman commit suicide.

Suicide. There's a part in it, I guess. I can understand how you see it. But reading it over, if I didn't know better, I would think it was the baby that killed itself. But your first interpretation is accurate!
It's definitely about abortion and how the baby shouldn't have "been", in the first place (seeing by her condition).

Thank you both sunny

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Re: Abortion

Post  Celena_J on Thu Mar 27, 2008 7:05 pm

The theme is very contrived politically and the "what could have been" factor is really high. I don't like these themes because the last mentioned is so useless unless in your reverie you have made the could have into it has been just from the standpoint of hypothesis. It's amazing because I read this melancholy into it, of something of a longing for this woman, whom has been described less than flattering and yet there was nothing in the world that you wanted more. That is how I felt while reading it.

LOve, Sel.

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Re: Abortion

Post  Jen on Mon Mar 31, 2008 12:20 pm

Celena_J wrote:I don't like these themes because the last mentioned is so useless unless in your reverie you have made the could have into it has been just from the standpoint of hypothesis.

I'm sorry, but I don't seem to be understanding this well.

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Re: Abortion

Post  Ina on Tue Apr 01, 2008 2:23 am

clever poem that drifts through the city through the eyes of something unseeable

did the mother have the abortion because she did not want to get fat?

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Re: Abortion

Post  Celena_J on Tue Apr 01, 2008 8:51 am

Jen wrote:
Celena_J wrote:I don't like these themes because the last mentioned is so useless unless in your reverie you have made the could have into it has been just from the standpoint of hypothesis.

I'm sorry, but I don't seem to be understanding this well.

Oh sorry, sometimes my thoughts just flow on and on into each other. I was talking about the "what could have been" factor. But if you made something more out of it than that, a case of transforming the "could have been" into something that "has been" when you go into the subject matter (the standpoint of hypothesis). Maybe I should have used my hyphons better.

LOve, Sel.

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Re: Abortion

Post  Jen on Tue Apr 01, 2008 9:22 am

I STILL don't understand... this is hurting.

Ina- no, I don't think it mattered whether or not she was fat. Her physical appearance was mainly to get a point across. How we judge her by her looks (which is all-knowing, in a way).

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Re: Abortion

Post  Ina on Tue Apr 01, 2008 9:56 am

Jen wrote:I STILL don't understand... this is hurting.

Ina- no, I don't think it mattered whether or not she was fat. Her physical appearance was mainly to get a point across. How we judge her by her looks (which is all-knowing, in a way).


my goodness i do not understand either.

this is what made me thing you were commenting on the need to look a certain way of the profession, as well as the cold shallowness and apathy of a whore:

S"he rather hold her breasts in, than
Suck in love handles on stretched sides.
Dear, she could have been my mother."

she RATHER....THAN suck in...you see?

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Re: Abortion

Post  Jen on Tue Apr 01, 2008 10:17 am

Yes, her profession obliges her to do this. She has to have more of this, than more of that, which makes her look unattractive.
But the poem is not about the mother.

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Re: Abortion

Post  Celena_J on Tue Apr 01, 2008 6:34 pm

Jen wrote:I STILL don't understand... this is hurting.

Now I am hurting... It was just about how this poem could have been very cliche but you made more out of it. Your descriptions make it feel as if it already had been, instead of a poem merely about what could have been.

LOve, Sel.

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Re: Abortion

Post  Jen on Tue Apr 01, 2008 10:13 pm

AWESOME! Now you're on a Canadian level of thinking Laughing

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Re: Abortion

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